Christmas is a rough time of year. The shopping, the cooking, the stress of it all is a giant pain in the ass. In fact, that one day pretty much ruins December for you, because you spend the entire month planning, worrying, and having the same conversation “I can’t believe Christmas is so soon!” “I know, the years are getting shorter and shorter” seriously like 50 billion times.

Over it yet?

Don’t be a wimp. Grab your hat and sword and swashbuckle your way through the last minute jitters with the Captain! (At this point I should warn you the science in this post will be minimal.)

Problem 1: Shopping is expensive and it’s been a hard year for treasure
It’s not too late to spend your last $10 on flour, egg, butter and ginger and make some kick ass gingerbread men or sweet ass cookies for everyone. Failing that, I’m sure you’ve got a bunch of stuff around the house that you could wrap!

Problem 2: You can’t find the right present. Anywhere. And you’re having trouble breathing
Well, clearly this means that you’re not a good person and no one will ever love you. Or you could get real – people forget about Christmas by February so it doesn’t really matter anyway. If you’re worried your partner will dump your shoddy-present-buying ass (I’m saying that a lot in this post), well you’re better off without them and their materialism. You’ll find a much better match (and for Pete’s sake, buy them a decent present next time!)

Problem 3: Okay, I can afford to buy loot, but the lines are longer than a hermit’s beard
A hearty ARRR and a large hat may remind the people ahead that they have other places to be. If that doesn’t work, just stand still like society’s bitch and ride it out. Think of the waves… you’re on a boat far away from everyone…

Problem 4: You have to cook dinner and it’s not going according to plan
Shops run out of the good groceries, that’s a fact. I can attest to this by the utter lack of rocket, I got the last rockmelon (suckers!), but strawberries were $5 a punnet. Whatever, I’m not paying that on principle! Next year stock up in advance, or go shopping at 6 in the morning (the lines are better then too!) In the meantime – be creative. Use plenty of spices to hide the low quality of your food, and make sure people are drunk enough not to care. Honestly, at Christmas everyone is just glad THEY didn’t have to do the cooking.

Problem 5: You’re doing the run-around this Christmas when you really just want to stay put and get sloshed
Instead of getting drunk, aim for a sugar high this festive season. You won’t blow the limit, you’ll be safe to drive, and you’ll be pleasantly surprised at the buzz! Stock up on those free cookies and candy and relive the sugar-rush days of your youth. Stop eating sugar until Christmas Day to maximize the fun. A Schooner of Science is not liable for any health problems arising from this advice.

Problem 6: You don’t like your family, bunch o’ landlubbers
Remember, Christmas comes but once a year.

Problem 7: It’s a stupid holiday and it didn’t really happen 2000 years ago anyway
Get off your high horse and get into the spirit! Sure, some of the facts seem a little sketchy, but you don’t need to have faith to have a good time. Wow your friends and family by brushing up on parthenogenesis – the virgin birth. It’s known to happen in certain species of fish, reptiles (including Komodo dragons) and invertebrates, and once it has happened in (genetically modified) mice. Neato!

If you’re a member of another faith with a similar-to-christmas holiday – don’t fret, these solutions are nonspecific to religion. With all your problems solved (they have all been solved, right? If there’s something still niggling at you, post a comment) get out there and enjoy the holiday season. Cheers to ye!